How to cook a turkey in your chimneyJan 15th, 2013 | By Mookee | Category: Tourism
1) Go to a fun place, like Portland, and meet and hang out with a lot of smart people. People that do really cool things that help the world. People that invent things you don’t understand. Wonder how you know these smart people and try to not speak for fear they will realize you are not even remotely close to being as smart as they are. Go find Cali the dog so you can at least have a conversation you understand. Wake up the next morning and discover that smart people also run ultra marathons in their spare time. Remind yourself that fat people do not run far.
2) Assist the cook by keeping him company while he prepares the turkey. Discover that engineers, even in their genius, sometimes need help when they are only using directions as a guideline. There are no “how to cook a turkey in your chimenea” directions. There are directions on “how to barbecue a turkey.” Realize that you may have marketable skills that smart people need (like physical labor) after all.
3) Debate with engineers the best way to get a turkey into a makeshift suspension cable/grill contraption without burning your hands and forearms. Discuss how, while the design is sound, it does not incorporate the tolerance of human beings to searing hot heat.
4) After getting the turkey suspended, modify the original design to compensate for unknown variables (such as heat escaping). Create makeshift pieces for the design in order to insure it will cook the turkey within the next few hours without using half the surviving old growth redwoods. Hope these additional pieces do not catch on fire while cooking the turkey.
5) Debate the ability/practicality of actually turning the turkey while suspended. Discuss the pros and cons of just cooking it as is and letting the one side burn. Agree not to turn it. Changing the decision when the turkey catches on fire.
6) Throwing the recipe away because it does not talk about how to unhook the hooks that have used turkey grease to cook themselves to the grill. Creating a new plan that will remove the hooks. Burn one’s fingers while trying to implement this plan and watch the turkey fall out of the chimenea and roll onto the ground. Quickly pick up the turkey and put it on a cutting board before anyone sees. Watch smart people fight off Cali the dog for rights to the food which is now on the ground. Put the turkey (now turned) back into the chimenea.
7) Take the turkey out of the chimenea, cover it, and let it sit. Wonder if it will actually taste good…no wonder if it will have any palatable flavor at all. Pull out the giblets and liver package that is contained within the turkey and is supposed to be removed prior to cooking. Notice that there is a lot of food on the table and hope no one really wants turkey.
8) Cut it open and realize this may be the best turkey ever … if not, at least it was entertaining to make.
(yes, it was phenomenal)