How to Create a Relationship

Apr 14th, 2013 | By | Category: Blog, Opinion

I am not an expert on this….who is, or can be?  I have found though, that certain things are imperative if one wants a lasting relationship, regardless of the type.

1)     You have to meet someone.  Seems like a stupid thing to say but let me be very clear.  It is not that easy.  Outside of high school, or even some settings in college, meeting people that you may be interested in is NOT an easy thing to do.  The work climate that has been created makes it nearly impossible to attempt anything in the environment known as work.  Where previously in a work environment, one could get to know someone prior to jumping straight into a date, men have been piggish enough to corrupt that system, and women have responded by making any effort on the man’s part evil.  Friends are pretty useless as well.  Most of the time they’re your friends and as such, have the same friends you do.  Other times they want to help but just end up setting you up with someone else who is single without regard to what may/may not be important.  Even going to a place where you know other people are single doesn’t work.  I’ve spent entire nights talking to people who were just being “nice,” and at the end of the night they threw out the “boyfriend” line.  True or not, the end result is the same.  The only way one can guarantee a “single” is online.  Even then, I’ve heard stories that such isn’t always the case.  Regardless of the where or when, one cannot move forward in a relationship without first having another person in that relationship.

2)    Timing.  There are two ways to look at timing.  One is the physical piece.  One cannot meet someone if one is not in a spot to meet them  One turning left at the corner, not right, could mean a perfect potential relationship was missed.  One might forget their keys and have to go back to get them, throwing a potential meeting off by 30 seconds.  One could easily go crazy thinking about this one.  Just accept –  that outside of a forced gathering (we will meet here at this time), the probability of two people being in exactly the right place to meet is small.  More importantly, timing with reference to where someone is in their life.  A perfect match may be right in front of you — but at that particular point in time they’re dating someone else.  Or maybe they’re trying to get through a tough time at work.  Maybe you meet them and they’re just having a bad day.  There are so many factors, both large and small that determine whether or not this moment is the right moment to try and make it happen.

3)    Location.  Two people that live in two distinctly separate places (Chicago and Miami) are most likely not going to try and make anything happen.  What if they meet and one moves immediately?  It’s a romantic idea to try and make it work, but is it really possible at the onset?  Sure, I know plenty of couples who have survived distance, but all of them were well established prior to the distance.  What about a shorter distance?  Maybe one person lives close to where the other works.  Again, without the ability to simply “go home” in a situation, it makes for a difficult start.  A simple “get together” turns into having to pack for a mini vacation.  If they live close to one another, less planning is required, less stress, and if one begins to get annoyed they can just go home without creating a huge incident, exacerbated by the fact that both parties are forced to stay in the same general vicinity with one another.

4)    Careers.  They don’t have to be compatible, but both people should be in similar places.  Well established, or at least comfortable in what they do.  Attaching job stress, which one is just learning, with relationship stress can be incredibly difficult.  It leads to one not understanding what the source of the stress is.  What if one person is thinking of moving to another place for a big promotion?  Would it be prudent to start something when one knows there will be added stress to the stress that already exists?

5)    Convenience.   This sounds callous, I’m aware, but think about it.  Who would voluntarily go into a relationship at the very start that was a significant amount of work?  I don’t mean stepping outside one’s general comfort zone.  It’s more a reference to not always being forced to do things one wouldn’t otherwise normally want to do.  This leads to #6…

6)    Adaptability.  After a certain amount of time in life we create the person that we are.  Through experience, friends and family, work, and habits, each individual has created the person that they are.  Generally, they are that way because they have made choices that seemed correct at the time.  Some of those choices are mistakes, but they have shaped the person.  To walk into a relationship assuming that every choice a person has made up to this point is going to fit perfectly into every choice another person has made is a ridiculous assumption.  I have had people say, “I don’t want you to change for me.”  Well, who then, would I be changing for?  I have created this person that I am and that is what I do.  I am not making the change for me, but rather for our relationship.  There is a clear difference.  If our relationship is important enough, I will make the attempt.  At some point the behavior will either change or be accepted.   It’s not a fundamental issue or character flaw, those probably would have compromised the relationship long ago, it’s just something that has been discovered.   There is a difference between “me,” and “us.”  In a solid relationship, they cannot exist independently, but they can be separate.

7)    Uncommon interests.  Everyone knows there has to be a common interest with any relationship.  I would argue that a very simple, important one, is family and children.  As this becomes less and less a stress point and society has begun to emphasize the individual, common interests are less powerful in holding two people together.  If they have enough, then what will solidify them is the things they don’t do together.  Things they can completely call their own.  Things that are not threatened by the “us.”

Relationships are tough.  They always are.  It takes a significant amount of work, timing, luck, and compromise to make a relationship work.  Outside of being God’s gift to the opposite sex who has to fight off potentials, most of us have difficulty finding someone we have enough compatibility with to get past a superficial discussion about the weather.  So if you find someone you like being with, and they’re stable, and very local, and are fun to talk to, and don’t make you question the difficulties that are already going to exist simply because you’re in a relationship, be sure to think about what you’re doing and why.  As hard as it is, finding someone is the easy part.

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